God’s Vagabond Child..

May 5, 2008
6:25pm

Does God really talk to us in ways that will usually hit us straight in the face? I will do this for the very first time.. This is quite a common tradition with bloggers.. The write-a-letter thing.. For me, I’ll write a letter that will be read, hopefully, by God:

Dear God,

What did you mean by saying, "prodigal son" last night through the mouth of one of the two most important persons in my life? Was it You? Or was it just my mind, playing tricks on me.

God, if you really are the powerful being that they believe You are, I know that You know what I am thinking now.. What I told you a while ago in church, and if my intentions are very clean and pure.

God,  why is there too much pain in this world? Why do we have to suffer these things? Why don’t you just give us the best so that man will never ever have evil thoughts.. By saying ‘the best’, it means, the best and un-corrupting things..

Lord, what is the reason for all this? Am I just ‘another brick in the wall’? That you can do without? Or am i, as what i thought you told me, one of your prodigal sons?

Lord, I want to be good and I want to put an end to the ‘thing’ that I am suffering personally, and the things that hurt me.. Like my papa’s situation.. And my mom’s still somewhat close-minded approach to the things that I am doing..

Lord, please talk to me more.. And please open my mind so that I will hear you..

JM

ALTASHHETH™

6:35pm

April 28, 2008

2:29 PM

Yesterday, I regained my martyr-ish mentality.. The thought that, I must endure this because i’m the more sane of the two of us.. Is that right? I think so.. I don’t think so.. I’m not really sure.. But,  fighting fire with fire may just create a bigger and unquencheable fire.. So, I believe that it is up to me to remain psychologically sound and find a way.. I must throw away these depressing thoughts and stuff..

I’ll try.. Because I don’t want to end up doing this thing to my son too..

As for my mom, she’s sound. I just have to accept the mom that I have.. Its not that, I didn’t in the past.. but, I will accept her more and open my mind a little wider for her.. 

I love them both and I hope to fulfill my Purpose to both of them before I die.. I really believe that everything has a reason.. A reason why I wrote this, why you read it.. Why you are going to hate or like what i’m scribbling in this light and static screen.. 

ALTASHHETH™

2:35 PM

April 27, 2008
2:11 PM

It takes a lot of getting used to again, this writing thing. I had to stare at the blank stretch of space for a while before i begin. Well, I hope that my few readers will be reading every new shit that i’ll write in this blog.

I returned to this very outlet of my frustrations because i can’t turn to other things. I hate everyone and everything in this world already. I don’t know. Things have to be lost to be appreciated and people will always try to believe that you are stupid and will buy everything that you say. And you sometimes also have to believe that you are stupid and that you will believe everything they say.

If i wallow too much, you can stop reading. Is that Democracy?  Is that ‘Free Will’? I don’t know if its just me or is it that God is playing at my Being - like a yoyo.. One minute, I am at the point of believing, and the next minute, I again believe that this Life is just a pointless thing that we human beings try to extract meaning from by doing what we have to do.. If there are things that we ‘really have to do’..

I love my mom and i love my papa.. And i ‘know’ that they love me too.. But why can’t i feel it? Am I just asking for too much or is it that i am just feigning blindness? They hurt and are hurting me in ways that they seem not aware of.. And me? I’m in the point of throwing it all away and start the journey that is death.. I’m goddamn depressed.. I don’t know and I really don’t know..

Understanding both of them seems to me now a very hard thing to do.. My mom, who was always there for me and my father, who I met just 5 months ago…

And me.. the solution, the product, the fruit, the only ‘thing’ that links them both together mutually.. I’m suffering from the idea that I can never accept what I am.. What I am because of their follies..  I don’t blame them but i know that they’re responsible for it.. But i don’t want to blame them.. But who can i blame? Myself? God?                  

I hope to make it through..

ALTASHHETH™

2:34 PM

I believe that the only real connection between people is between parent and child… 

11:16, Jan. 14,2007

The title doesn’t actually mean anything. Hhhehe. I used it cause it’s catchy. Anyway, its quite long since I wrote anything in here. I’m not in the mood right now. But, the thing that made me write is this: I met my dad last november 20, 2007 but I didn’t write in memoire or something in here. I will write something soon! But for now, I’m enjoying the bitter medicine that is my father. I love him. And he makes me hate him and love him again. That’s why it’s a bitter medicine. It’s actually therapeutic in my part but it’s a bit hard. But I love him, that much I know.

Be writing something ‘me-ish’ soon.

ALTASHHETH™

11:20am

Bah.. Poems? Yeah, i’ve written poems since I was in highschool.. It all started when I listened to Evanescence and a tragic thing happened.. ahahha.. Stupid.. I’m saying "a tragic thing happened" and I followed it with a "ahahha".. Well, it’s like an impulse.. When I text, i put hahaha, when i chat, i put ahhaha.. I seem to be a happy man…

And.. what i’ve written is so disorganized.. Jumping from one topic to another.. It’s because this blog post is spontaneous.. aahahahha.. (there goes the hahahah again..)..

Anyways, here I go again.. Again.. and again.. I’m dreaming and falling and, a new addition - crying… I’ve never cried this much since I came out of the cave that was my mother’s - you get the picture.. I came out of the house puffy-eyed, though it isn’t that obvious because my eyes tend to shape shift, sometimes they’re big, sometimes they’re chinky.. I dunno.. Many things happened this past few weeks.. It’s a sort of an avalanche for me… Uhmm.. erase.. make it, "this past few months"..

I graduated from highschool so i have to leave many people there that i never thought i’d leave.. My classmates, friends, acquaintances,.. etc… And… . . .  yes. . . no. .  baaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. . . Goddamnit. . I really need to throw things on the wall and break them. . . I need it. . . .

Next, we transferred from talisay city to bacolod city and shit, it was change for me.. I grew up in the streets of carmela with my gang of friends who, though they are most of the time doin’ stupid things, I have loved so much.. 12 or 13 years of friendship.. Lost.. And a very good friend of mine who i trust with all of my heart, though she may not feel it that much..

Then, I studied in the mountains. yes.. mountains..  and i have to adjust to the new environment, stay there for months on end and go back home for a few days and back there again..

This all happened in the span of 1.66 years.. The transition burdens me so much..

I don’t wake up every morning to go to school, sleep in class, laugh with friends, fight or what.. walk home with a very influential friend.. Go home, play Lineage 2 with my computer buddies, walk home with them, and hang out in the sari-sari store and laugh the night away.. Call my very best friend at the back of our house and talk about school.. sleep.. and the cycle goes on..

I could just call anyone in the vicinity when I need help.. talk to classmates who do nothing.. I’m alone now..

I spent my christmas last year with a liter of Redhorse, that was it.. Spent the whole new year’s eve morning alone, and spent the night with strangers..

I don’t know if I can still make it through..

8:08pm

Nov.4 ,2007..

Answer me..

by: BL Altashheth

For toil and murmur the lies are best..

Catch the falling; mend the broken..

But not the truth lost..

Crushed by iron on a lonely road..

Blood seeped unto Earth..

Those forbidden are kept for loan..

And the truth, unspoken..

Falling into deep, the well of foggy thought..

You care..

Why not dare?..

Answer me..

02:34am

October 7, 2007

Dream
by: BL Altashheth

Grope into the darkness for immaterialities..
A gloom that descents too fast..

Here comes the blooms..
Peppering the pavement hot and scorched..
Petals soft and fragrant..

Step in it and laugh and die..
Smile and die..

Phantom Life that catches doom..
And turns it into ale and rum..

Get drunk to madness..
And die..

September 15, 2007
8:56PM

Birth
by: BL Altashheth

Crimson walking..
Blinded lights..
To creep in wallowy pus..
And not but Life..

Sept. 24, 2007
11:??PM

 Sweet Death
by: BL Altashheth

I am asundered.
She calls me, I try not to hear.
But she needs me as much as I need her.

Moaning, pleading, begging and not but her sweet cries ringing.
I listened.
I called.

She’s near.
She’s here.
I rise to greet her.
And I am but sand in the Earth.

July 22, 2007
11:49PM